Depression Diary 3

So yesterday I started part of my therapy. I was pretty nervous because this part would help me cope with my emotions that I have a hard time to understand or deal with.

The therapist wanted to test me if the dramatherapy was indeed something I needed in order to sort my life out better so I had to fill in an association word list from what I did/felt/experienced last week and pick out 6 of the most important words for me and write a little story about me with them.

Well. It was surely a depressing story.

First word I could think of related to last week was sleep.
I sleep when I don't want to worry about how I feel, if I am asleep I don't feel depressed. Not the best solution to the problem because too much sleep leaves me with terrible headaches and thus more food for depression. Other words that came out of the list were 'use' 'family' and 'self-love'.

I have a hard time liking myself.
I am not suicidal but I sometimes think well if I haven't been born, the world would have been a better place. Not exactly stuff you bring up with your friends or family now do you? My friend on FB posted an excellent example of how people talk about depressions.

But I have decided for myself to no longer hide my problems for my friends and family. That's why I write this blog. First step taken.
I always tell people for the outside world (people who don't know me through and through) I wished I just had 2 amputated legs instead of a depression because people then see whats wrong with you and don't treat you like a psycho who wants to stab them, which people sometimes think you are a total nutjob when you tell them I am going to a therapist....

Eventhough my little piece was very confronting for me and the therapist I felt considerably lighter when I went homewards again. I did dislike the fact that I cried infront of her, I don't want people to see me crying, ever.

I still have a lot of trouble talking to people who know me well about this face to face. Because behind the pc I can cry what I want and noone will see me.

Tuesdays and thursdays I will have dramatherapy and relaxationtherapy and I hope this will get me a bit further down the path towards healing.

Long way to go still but I am pretty damn proud of myself already for what I have achieved the past 3 months. So huggles from me to all around. Atleast now I sometimes think it was a good thing I was born, can't wait till my thought will be I am happy I am here :).

The little white lies we feed our children.

This will make a nice anecdote when on of my sisters gets married.

We have this strawberry plant in the garden and about each week it will care two or three ripe strawberries. I was discussing with my mother that in order to get a full basket you'd need several plants in order to get that. A farm would hold a couple of hundreds of plants to get a good harvest.

Whereupon Lisa exclaims that the 3 plants at their old house managed to give a full basket in the past.

I looked at my mother and she starts laughing.

She then spills the beans about the little scheme my dad and her did back then.

The plants only held about five ripe strawberries and in order to not have the children disapointed they added store bought strawberries to make it look like they harvested a big this time around. Scheme worked because my sisters never noticed it.

So several years later they still believed one plant can give you a full basket of berries.

After a few good laughs about it my dad reminded them that Sinterklaas (Santa) and the Easter Bunny still don't exist and that the world is round.

Depression Diary 2

I had a breakdown again today.

Last couple of days have been very tiring for me. My ex professed he still loves me but not for a relationship (good way to throw a girl in a loop, mister), my cat decided to broaden his horizon (he came back but only after I flipped out) and today I cracked. I'm nervous as hell and felt pressured when I was just at the store getting ingredients for dinner. I wanted to run, just leave everything behind and run away.

I did have a really good day crafting with my best friend but the breakdown still came today.

The only thing I did different today was force myself to go to the store and get the groceries. Prepaired dinner while my stomach was doing the boogy with me and stayed calm during it.

I am completly worn out, covered with cold sweat but I made it through the breakdown with no casualties what so ever. I don't feel alright but I feel much better than this morning.

Atleast now I know I will enjoy my dinner now that it is out. My lunch was dreadfully bland because my attack makes me numb for taste, feeling or pain.

Anxiety is my worst enemy at the moment and sometimes rears its ugly head. But I am sure I will beat it one day. I will regain my selflove and be happy that I woke up again in the morning. Just at the moment it is really hard sometimes, and I am greatful that so many of my family and friends are patient with me.