Depression Diary part 4

It has been a while. I thought it would be best to over look a longer period for me to see some results. Also my therapist had a five week holiday.

Today was another revelation for me. Which is good :).

I used to hate that people would touch me. It's custom that when your colleague has his/her birthday you'd give them a kiss on the cheek. (It's common here in the Netherlands). It was my least favorite time of the year or when I had to work when my birthday was or even after New Years.

The reason why I was like this even with family or friends is because someone stepped over my boundaries of what was okay with personal contact in my childhood. But it happened and as much as I would love to erase it or bury it, it will always be part of me. So I accepted this. But I need to live in the here and now, and cope with my feelings.

I came to accept myself. I came to love myself again. You know how wonderful the feeling is when you wake up the next morning and you think to yourself: 'Yes, it's good to be alive'. For me that is a BIG victory in life. The headaches are less and I finally have the feeling I can breathe without much pain. Yes, depression brings a lot of strain on your body. Your muscles are under constant strain.

So in the five week absence of my therapist, my life has been going very well. She joked that she should take a longer break lol.

Part of the therapy-session was that you would pat eachother on the back with cupped hands, giving a gentle massage. Normally I would be very uncomfortable but today her touch made me feel really relaxed. I felt I could really trust her to touch me and I didn't want to flee. Because this isn't a touch of intimacy but of comfort. She is not out to hurt me.

She told me my muscles are very cold and held her hand on my back and I felt the warmth seeping in my body. The warmth stayed with me for at least 30 minutes.

All in all today was another succes at therapy. I confirmed the feelings and actions I did right the past 2 month and felt recharged with good feelings about myself again.

Like I said before it's good to be alive :).