Depression Diary 3

So yesterday I started part of my therapy. I was pretty nervous because this part would help me cope with my emotions that I have a hard time to understand or deal with.

The therapist wanted to test me if the dramatherapy was indeed something I needed in order to sort my life out better so I had to fill in an association word list from what I did/felt/experienced last week and pick out 6 of the most important words for me and write a little story about me with them.

Well. It was surely a depressing story.

First word I could think of related to last week was sleep.
I sleep when I don't want to worry about how I feel, if I am asleep I don't feel depressed. Not the best solution to the problem because too much sleep leaves me with terrible headaches and thus more food for depression. Other words that came out of the list were 'use' 'family' and 'self-love'.

I have a hard time liking myself.
I am not suicidal but I sometimes think well if I haven't been born, the world would have been a better place. Not exactly stuff you bring up with your friends or family now do you? My friend on FB posted an excellent example of how people talk about depressions.

But I have decided for myself to no longer hide my problems for my friends and family. That's why I write this blog. First step taken.
I always tell people for the outside world (people who don't know me through and through) I wished I just had 2 amputated legs instead of a depression because people then see whats wrong with you and don't treat you like a psycho who wants to stab them, which people sometimes think you are a total nutjob when you tell them I am going to a therapist....

Eventhough my little piece was very confronting for me and the therapist I felt considerably lighter when I went homewards again. I did dislike the fact that I cried infront of her, I don't want people to see me crying, ever.

I still have a lot of trouble talking to people who know me well about this face to face. Because behind the pc I can cry what I want and noone will see me.

Tuesdays and thursdays I will have dramatherapy and relaxationtherapy and I hope this will get me a bit further down the path towards healing.

Long way to go still but I am pretty damn proud of myself already for what I have achieved the past 3 months. So huggles from me to all around. Atleast now I sometimes think it was a good thing I was born, can't wait till my thought will be I am happy I am here :).