Depression Diary 3

So yesterday I started part of my therapy. I was pretty nervous because this part would help me cope with my emotions that I have a hard time to understand or deal with.

The therapist wanted to test me if the dramatherapy was indeed something I needed in order to sort my life out better so I had to fill in an association word list from what I did/felt/experienced last week and pick out 6 of the most important words for me and write a little story about me with them.

Well. It was surely a depressing story.

First word I could think of related to last week was sleep.
I sleep when I don't want to worry about how I feel, if I am asleep I don't feel depressed. Not the best solution to the problem because too much sleep leaves me with terrible headaches and thus more food for depression. Other words that came out of the list were 'use' 'family' and 'self-love'.

I have a hard time liking myself.
I am not suicidal but I sometimes think well if I haven't been born, the world would have been a better place. Not exactly stuff you bring up with your friends or family now do you? My friend on FB posted an excellent example of how people talk about depressions.

But I have decided for myself to no longer hide my problems for my friends and family. That's why I write this blog. First step taken.
I always tell people for the outside world (people who don't know me through and through) I wished I just had 2 amputated legs instead of a depression because people then see whats wrong with you and don't treat you like a psycho who wants to stab them, which people sometimes think you are a total nutjob when you tell them I am going to a therapist....

Eventhough my little piece was very confronting for me and the therapist I felt considerably lighter when I went homewards again. I did dislike the fact that I cried infront of her, I don't want people to see me crying, ever.

I still have a lot of trouble talking to people who know me well about this face to face. Because behind the pc I can cry what I want and noone will see me.

Tuesdays and thursdays I will have dramatherapy and relaxationtherapy and I hope this will get me a bit further down the path towards healing.

Long way to go still but I am pretty damn proud of myself already for what I have achieved the past 3 months. So huggles from me to all around. Atleast now I sometimes think it was a good thing I was born, can't wait till my thought will be I am happy I am here :).

The little white lies we feed our children.

This will make a nice anecdote when on of my sisters gets married.

We have this strawberry plant in the garden and about each week it will care two or three ripe strawberries. I was discussing with my mother that in order to get a full basket you'd need several plants in order to get that. A farm would hold a couple of hundreds of plants to get a good harvest.

Whereupon Lisa exclaims that the 3 plants at their old house managed to give a full basket in the past.

I looked at my mother and she starts laughing.

She then spills the beans about the little scheme my dad and her did back then.

The plants only held about five ripe strawberries and in order to not have the children disapointed they added store bought strawberries to make it look like they harvested a big this time around. Scheme worked because my sisters never noticed it.

So several years later they still believed one plant can give you a full basket of berries.

After a few good laughs about it my dad reminded them that Sinterklaas (Santa) and the Easter Bunny still don't exist and that the world is round.

Depression Diary 2

I had a breakdown again today.

Last couple of days have been very tiring for me. My ex professed he still loves me but not for a relationship (good way to throw a girl in a loop, mister), my cat decided to broaden his horizon (he came back but only after I flipped out) and today I cracked. I'm nervous as hell and felt pressured when I was just at the store getting ingredients for dinner. I wanted to run, just leave everything behind and run away.

I did have a really good day crafting with my best friend but the breakdown still came today.

The only thing I did different today was force myself to go to the store and get the groceries. Prepaired dinner while my stomach was doing the boogy with me and stayed calm during it.

I am completly worn out, covered with cold sweat but I made it through the breakdown with no casualties what so ever. I don't feel alright but I feel much better than this morning.

Atleast now I know I will enjoy my dinner now that it is out. My lunch was dreadfully bland because my attack makes me numb for taste, feeling or pain.

Anxiety is my worst enemy at the moment and sometimes rears its ugly head. But I am sure I will beat it one day. I will regain my selflove and be happy that I woke up again in the morning. Just at the moment it is really hard sometimes, and I am greatful that so many of my family and friends are patient with me.

Midlife crisis? I think not! Maybe.....

So after the drastic measures I took a couple of days ago (voiced it on FB), I decided to live for myself for a while.

I put my hopes and dreams aside to please the other and when it all came crashing down I felt useless, helpless. I am still down in the dumps but every day I am coping a bit more then the last.

What did I want to do before this drama started, before I wanted to spend my life with someone else.

I wanted to travel the world just like my grandmother did. The Great Wall of China, Niagara Falls, Great Barrier Reef, etc. It was all pushed to the background.

The urge to travel, to widen my horizon is back. But thankfully it's not an escape like I picked in the past to avoid my pain and problems.

This year London will be ticked off my list, I chose to visit it with my sister. Will be her first vacation without the parents ;).

The old idea of getting a motorcycle license is also back. When my best friend got hers about 10 years ago, the need to get it was itching but funds that kept being drained away made it impossible. Now that I am just living for myself I managed to save up some. So that will also be a future target for me.

When I mentioned this to some friends they joked about having a midlife crisis. Never thought that women could get one but is it a midlife crisis for me? I don't know, maybe it is but I say screw it, I do what I want.

So lately I have been daydreaming about my future adventures.

Can you imagine me riding this beauty through Brittany or Ireland? I always had a weakness for a motorcycle with a sidecar. 

Laugh at me if you like, I don't care. These are my dreams and I will make them reality. And if you are nice you can catch a ride with me in my sidecar ;p. 

Review: Vassalord OVA

By chance I stumbled on the Vassalord OVA on youtube. So I explored the internet to find a good fansub and found it with my trusted fansubbers Aarinfantasy.

The OVA is based on a josei (ladies comics) series written and illustrated by Nanae Chrono. 7 volumes of the manga have been released as with four drama cd's. The OVA was released in spring 2013.

Plot (with courtesy of Wiki):

Vampires Charles J. Chrishunds (Charley) and Johnny Rayflo have a strange relationship. Charley is a cyborg vampire mix, and a vampire hunter for the Vatican, while his master Johnny enjoys a playboy lifestyle. While fighting crimes involving vampires, Charley struggles to control his lust for blood and for Johnny, while Johnny (previously known as Addie before becoming a vampire) delights in seducing his servant and attempts to deal with issues from his own past. Johnny cares about Charley (also known as Cherry and Chris), and the feelings don't seem to be one-sided.

While the OVA is put in the fantasy, comedy, supernatural & shounen-ai catergories, the shounen-ai (Boy's love) value is very low opposite the manga. While Charley feeds on Rayflo to still his hunger the element of lust between the two characters is left in the middle. I miss the taunting and tempting that Rayflo does that drives Charley of the edge many times in the series. 

Oh Rayflo, you slut.

For the OVA they used the story of the first chapter of Vassalord, and because this chapter stands on itself don't really need to add anything else to finish it. The relationship between Chris (I know they call him Charley in the OVA but I am more used to the manga version were everyone calls him Chris) and Rayflo is clear, Rayflo turned Chris in to a vampire and Chris refuses to drink other blood than his masters. They battle on of Rayflo's ghosts of the past in order for Chris to recieve priesthood.

The animation compliments the typical style of Nanae Chrono. While its not a one-on-one copy of hers, it comes very close to it. The typical bickering and comic-relief appears in the OVA paired with the dark atmosphere Vassalord usually gives.

The voice-actors for Chris and Rayflo are well known in the world of anime. Ryotaro Okiayu (Chris) is best known for Byakuya Kuchiki (Bleach) and Scar (Fullmetal Alchemist) while Keiji Fujiwara (Rayflo) is known for Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist), Leorio (Hunter x Hunter) and my favorite Shiro Fujimoto (Ao no Exorcist). The pair worked together on Fullmetal Alchemist and I found them the ideal choice for this OVA, especially Keiji because his freaking out makes me giggle every time.

Sadly the episode was only 27 minutes long and while you can put more in to the story it would have just been putting too much information without adding to the value of it. It's just the fangirl in me that wants more.

Maybe Production I.G. is testing the waters with this OVA, seeing that the fanbase will be significantly smaller than with regular animes. But I do hope they will make it into a regular series so I can see my other favorite characters of the series. They did give me a small glimps at the end of my all time favorite madman 86, so a girl can only hope.

Animation: 4,5/5

Voice-cast: 5/5

Story: 3/5

The world of darkness isn't scary. 

Depression Diary 1

I wake up at the sound of my alarm clock at 8 in the morning.

Feck.

Dark clouds in my head again. Came just out of the blue. Nothing bad happened yesterday.

Depression meter at 10/10. I feel terrible.

Shall I cancel my sewing lessons? I could sleep my whole day away but that won't make me feel better.

I drag my body out of bed and look at the clock. Spent 17 minutes thinking about this. When I walk out of my room, I see my mother sitting behind her computer and mention to her that I have a somber day today. I don't need help or comfort, I just want people to know how I am today.

Not in the mood for breakfast but I eat anyway. My taste is flat.

Bailey greets me cheerfully. I scratch him behind his ears and give him a cat-treat. It's all just routine.

After watching the morning news, it is time to get dressed and ready to leave. Fortunately I packed my sewingkit before I went to bed so I don't have to worry about it. I only need to bring my patterns that are lying on my desk.

The weather is grubby. Nice.

When I drive towards the studio, I turn the radio up. Dreadlock Holiday by 10cc is on. When I start to sing along with the lyrics I feel my head getting lighter.

Depression meter 9/10. Going the right direction.

I'm the second to arrive at the studio. The teacher and student are chatting about tax-refunds. I greet them both and take my seat while unloading my kit.

Feck. I forgot to bring my patterns, without them I can't do anything... When I am in a depression my memory fails, while when I am good my memory is excellent.

The rest of the students enter and I excuse myself and drive back home to pick them up. Thirty minutes lost blunderhead.

When I return at the studio, everyone already started with their work. I place my cut-outs on the fabric and proceed to cut out the seperate pieces. During our activities we chat about ESC, local news, plans for school and I give advice on tax forms to a fellow student. My head becomes clearer, less pain is felt.

Depression meter 7/10. My smile doesn't feel forced anymore, it comes more natural.

I made good progress with my work but in order to make my job easier I need a fabric pen. Made a note of it in my mobile. I wish everyone a good weekend and go home again. The second time today but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I stopped being annoyed at myself.

Turn the radio up really loud and scan the stations for feel-good music. Anything to lift my mood.

A song from the past comes on.

The DJ of 3FM plays it for todays Guilty Pleasure song. He was 12 at that time. 1999, I was 19 then. I end up staying in the car until the song is finished. I start grinning. The stupid song lifted my mood.

Depression meter 4/10. My day will be alright.

I suffer from Dysthymia. Sometimes I suffer from major depressive episodes on top of my Dysthymia making life really difficult for me. Each day I learn to live and treat my depression, hoping that my environment will accept me as a person.

Happy Mail Day! - Cool Cat order

I needed some supplies for customising Blythes so I placed an order at Cool Cat. I've ordered from them before in 2012 and was pretty satisfied about the service and speed.

My order contained some woodcarving tools, eyechips, 3M sandingsponge, velcro, hairclips and brown boots (my BJD's have hundreds of shoes but my Blythes have so few :( ).

The order was placed on 28th of April and I recieved it today. Because I needed the supplies fast, I chose for the much expensive EMS instead of regular Airmail. The package was still almost 2 weeks stuck in customs but I didn't want to chance it by going for the cheaper shipping option and not have my eyechips before Dolliverse next month.

Like last time my order arrived well wrapped and complete. They even threw in some extra eyechips as a gift :).

Completely forgot that I ordered these boots until I saw them in the box <___<.

The eyechips will be handpainted and available for purchase on June 16th at Dolliverse. After the event the remainder will go on sale online, as all the rest of my Dolliverse stock.